


IDFC

by weirdandkindafunny



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Based off a song, Daddy kink mention, Fluff, M/M, Mention of drinking, Mention of sex, No actual sex, Oneshot, come on they'll teenagers for gosh sakes, cursing, drunk!Connor, drunk!connor is just a goofball that likes to embarrass evan, early high school!connor, early high school!evan, hatred of Romeo and Juliet, pining!evan, the song is IDFC, we got dem emails pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11946885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weirdandkindafunny/pseuds/weirdandkindafunny
Summary: Evan had had only wanted Connor say the words, "I love you," drunk, high, hurt, happy, real, or not. Evan needed to hear these words come from Connor's lips. Maybe it would be better when Connor did say those beautiful words, because it would mean that, perhaps, they weren't just friends...





	IDFC

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my friendo Faith](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+friendo+Faith).



> Hey, hey, hey! Based on the song IDFC by Blackbear (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmWBphAf72g)

_“Tell me pretty lies,_

_“Look me in the face,_

_“Tell me that you love me,_

_“Even if it's fake,_

_“'Cause I don't fucking care, at all”_

Evan adjusted his backpack as he walked the hallways of his high school. He was very self-conscious, being a freshman and all. School was already nerve racking. Now he was a freshman! The lowest the chain. The one that gets picked on by seniors. Thankfully, the school year was almost over. It was Spring. The month of early May. Evan just had one and a half months left to go.

Evan spotted Connor Murphy out of the corner of his eye. His heart skipped a beat, catching Connor’s eye. Evan blushed and rushed off to lit class. Evan wanted to hit himself in the head, thinking about lit class.

He could’ve approached Connor. They had the same lit class after all! Connor may -probably would not have- have agreed to go with Evan.

Evan weighed the pros and cons of going back to where Connor was, but then he remembered that the other kids would have yelled at him for causing a slight traffic jam. Yep. The cons out weighed the one pro of walking with pretty boy Murphy. Possibly walking with pretty boy Murphy. Evan walked a little faster to class.

Once Evan got there, he quickly slipped into his chair in the front of the room and started to get out the materials he needed. He absentmindedly heard the bell ring. Afterward, he heard the calm, cool, collected (at least in Evan’s mind) footsteps of Connor McFreaking Murphy. Evan quickly gazed up.

“Mr. Murphy, you’re late, again!” The teacher growled. Connor shrugged.

“By a minute but yeah. See you in detention I guess,” Connor said, passively.

“I don’t feel like staying after school to watch you.” The teacher growled, softly enough so only Evan and maybe the kid’s around him could hear. “So, you get a warning this time, Mr. Murphy.” Connor frowned.

“Awww. I was looking forward to the extra time we were gonna spend together.” Connor spoke like he was speaking to a baby. It brought a smile to Evan’s lips. Connor spun around and saw Evan’s smile. Connor smiled and walked past the boy.

“Like that, Hansen?” Connor whispered to Evan before walking the rest of the way to his seat. Evan blushed and suddenly the desk was extremely interesting.

The teacher said something about the rest of the class presenting their Romeo and Juliet speeches. Evan had blubbered through his speech about the hardships the two lovers had to face. He got a 50% for oral presentation, but his points and the elegant of his speech was able to save his grade to a high C. Better than an F, in Evan’s mind.

“We are going to start with Mr. Murphy.” The teacher announced. Connor got up, his paper in hand, and walked to the front. “Mr. Murphy, what was your topic?”

“Why Romeo and Juliet were not in love,” Connor said. The teacher nodded and wrote that down.

“Hand me your printed report.” Connor shook his head ‘no’.

“Sir, I want you to hear this instead of reading it along.” Connor left no humor in his voice from earlier. The teacher frowned.

“Mr. Murphy, you are no exception to the rule. Papers.” The teacher held out his hand. Connor took his report, ripped it in half, and dropped it to the ground. The two halves spread out across the room. One landed at Evan’s feet.

“Guess I am now.” Connor put his hands behind his back and cleared his throat before flashing a shit eating grin. This was gonna be good.

“Romeo and Juliet-” Connor started to walk in between the rows of desks- “Are in ‘love’ according to Shakespeare. However! I raise you all this, and please do answer, how many of you have experienced love?” A girl raised her hand. Connor waved his hand.

“Shut up, Cindy. Everyone knows Brad is using you, expect you.” Connor said. Cindy’s mouth dropped. Evan covered his mouth, to stop the laughter from escaping from his lips. Connor caught Evan’s eye, again. Connor’s mouth quirked up into a genuine smile before going back to his fake one.

“No one. We are all 14 to 15. Juliet is 13 and Romeo is 16. It seems like they don't know love from hormones. Romeo cried over that Rosaline gal because she was gonna be a nun. He cried ‘What a waste of a woman!’ and cried for weeks.

“I can bet a lot of us have thought we loved that guy or gal we catch eyes with in the hall-“ Connor was now in front of the class again, with a fake dreamy look in his eyes- “and thought yep. I love this guy or gal and I would die for him or her ‘cause of my undying love for him or her.

“Honey-“ Connor put his hand on his heart and offered a sympathetic look- “do you even really know that guy or gal?” Connor returned to his grin. “Nope! Don’t even try lying to me or yourself. Therefore, point one, Juliet and Romeo aren’t in love. They thought-“ Connor put his hand on his chin and acted as he found something he loved- “‘Wow. Look at that sweet butt. I want to hit him or her. I bet this love. Wait-‘“ Connor looked over, shocked- “‘That hot piece of beauty is from my enemy’s family? How could this have been avoided! Finding this cruel revelation sooner!’ Well, this could have been avoiding by asking your partner’s name before you both departed. Seriously! You have to at least know the name of the person you ‘love’. Boom. Point one.

“Point two, how they talked to each other. Now, I need an assistant. Volunteers?” Connor looked around. No one offered. Evan wanted to offer, but he was too nervous.

“Evan Hansen! Please-“ Connor kneeled in front of Evan- “Just help me real quick.” Evan nodded before he knew what he was doing. Connor’s face lit up. “You’re a God sent, Hanson, I swear. And I’m an atheist.” Connor stood up. “Please stand on your desk… Yep. Perfect.”

Connor faced the class. “I give you, your Juliet, Evan Hanson. And me, your Romeo, Connor Murphy.” Connor stood in front of Evan on one knee.

“Juliet, oh my sweet, hot, Juliet-“ Evan blushed- “Please, give me your virginity!” Evan’s face exploded in a blush. “Oh, and I love you.”

_“You’ve been out all night,_

_“I don't know where you've been,_

_“You're slurring all your words,_

_“Not making any sense,_

_“But I don't fucking care, at all”_

Evan woke up to the sound of a crash. His body tensed, worried someone broke in. It was only him home tonight. His mom got called in for the night. Evan’s mind raced. He grabbed a heavy book and start to was to his door, as softly as he could. He leaned an ear aganist the door, listening.

“Hansen! Hansen! Handsome! Shit-I mean- Hansen!” Connor’s voice slurred out. Evan would have blushed at the slip-up, but Connor was drunk. Evan put the book down and walked out to Connor. Who was laying on the ground next to a chair he knocked over. Connor saw Evan and grinned.

“Hannsseen! There you are! I was worried I’d-“ Connor hiccuped- “Got the wrong house!” Evan sighed, seeing his friend with throw up on his hoodie and shirt. Evan bent down and helped Connor to his feet.

“Come on. You need to get cleaned up,” Evan said. He leaned Connor’s weigh on himself and walked Connor to the bathroom.

“Whatever you say, daddy!” Connor kissed Evan’s cheek before erupting in laughter. Evan’s face reddened in what he told himself was concern. “I’m just joking.” Evan shook his head.

Evan sat Connor on the sink’s counter. Evan got some soap and two wash cloths out. 

“Take off your hoodie and shirt,” Evan instructed. Connor erupted into another fit of giggles.

“If you want to have sex with me, just ask, sport!” Connor grinned. Evan blushed at the idea of Connor and himself being so… close.

“You’re covered in throw up, Connor. It’s not a fun idea to have sex with my friend covered in throw up.” Connor gasped.

“You do make a good point.” Evan nodded. “Whyyyy are you so smart, Hansen?” Evan shrugged.

“Come on, Connor. Let’s get those disgusting clothes off you.” Connor looked down at himself. His eyes widened.

“Holy shit! How did this happen?” Connor asked. He quickly took his clothes off. Evan looked back, his eyes widened, seeing Connor in only his underwear.

“Connor, I didn’t say take off your pants!” Connor looked down at himself and smiled.

“Oops! Too late!” He erupted in laughter again.

Evan shook his head and wet one of the cloths. He rubbed it over Conner’s arms, chest, neck, and legs. Evan wet the other one and put soap in it. He rubbed it where he had taken the other cloth along Connor’s body. Evan took the first one and cleaned away all the suds. He turned his back to Connor and got Connor a towel. Evan dried off his friend.

“All done,” Evan said, breaking the silence.

“You’re so gentle,” Connor muttered, looking down at himself. “Wow.” He whispered. Evan smiled a tired smile.

“Come on, Connor. Let’s put you to bed,” Evan said softly like the air was glass. Connor nodded. Evan helped him down and took Connor to his bedroom. If Evan’s mom saw Connor on the couch, she would freak out. Evan decided it would be better this way and that he would take the couch.

Evan wrapped the blankets around Connor, who eagerly snuggled into the comfy bed. He smiled up at Evan.

“Thank you, Hansen. It means a lot. No one else would do this for me.” Evan’s mouth dropped. He coughed and smiled at Connor.

“It’s no big deal, Connor. I just wish this wasn’t a common occurrence as it is.” Evan looked away and frowned. Connor frowned.

“Did I make you upset, Hansen? Did I disappoint you? I didn’t mean it! I swear.” Connor blubbered out. Evan smiled at look at Connor.

“No. You couldn’t.” Connor beamed as his eyes dropped.

“Good ‘cause I love you.”

“'Cause I have hella feelings for you,

“I act like I don't fucking care,

“Like they ain't even there,

'Cause I have hella feelings for you,

“I act like I don't fucking care, “

'Cause I'm so fucking scared”

Evan saw Connor walk towards his bus since Zoe was staying after school for jazz band. His mom said that she was not going to drive there and back, Evan ran after Connor. Once he caught up, he placed a hand on Connor’s shoulder.

“Hey, Connor, I was wondering if you would like to come over my house, at some point. Like, when you’re not drunk or high. I thought maybe, I dunno, we could talk or something. Grab dinner…” Evan asked Connor, smiling nervously. Connor turned around and frowned. He grabbed Evan’s arm and pulled him behind trees, from the other teens’ views.

“Hansen, listen, I told you. Don’t talk to me at school. What part do you not understand?” Connor asked. Evan frowned and hoped that the earth would open up and swallow him to save him from this horrible feeling of dread.

“I know. I know. It’s just- um- I just thought that- um- maybe- ya know. I could just-um- grab-grab you for a second-“ Evan pulled his hands to his shoulder, mimicking grabbing something- “and ask-ask you that question. Um. Yeah. It was stupid, I-I know.” Connor crossed his arms.

“Yeah, it was, Hansen! Why do you think I don’t want you to talk to me at school?” Connor growled. Evan shrugged. Connor groaned.

“Think, Hansen, think!” Connor growled. Evan shook his head.

“I- I dunno! O-ok, Connor?” Evan’s voice wavered. Connor’s expression softened. He placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“It’s because the other kids would make more fun of you. I know that you have bad anxiety, Hansen. I don’t want you to have to deal with that.” Evan balled his fists. He pushed Connor’s hand off his shoulder.

“I don’t need your protection, Connor!” Evan’s eyes watered. “I need my friend! At school, out of school, in our emails, anywhere!” Evan turned his back on Connor. Connor sighed.

“I know you don’t. I just don’t want you to have to feel any pain. I love you.”

_“I'm only a fool for you,_

_“And maybe you're too good for me,_

_“I'm only a fool for you,_

_“But I don't fucking care, at all, oh”_

Connor and Evan pulled up to the apple orchard. They got out of the car and looked around. Evan pointed out a spot.

“Look! That’s a perfect spot!” He called out. Connor smiled.

“Yeah. Seems like a good spot. You always have a knack for picking out good spots,” Connor said. Evan looked at him and smiled. They walked over to it, talking about how Connor was doing.

“Evan, I really am doing better. It’s been a while since I was drunk. I haven’t smoked in…” Connor counted the days on his fingers. “Two weeks! I mean, I’ve had urges. But I expected that. Thanks for letting me come over when I want to smoke. It really has helped.”

“Anything for you… Buddy.” Connor chuckled.

“Buddy? Heh. I like that.” They got to the spot and laid down next to each other.

The breeze was perfect. It kept them cool on this perfect day. They quoted songs from their favorite bands, choosing the most ridiculous ones for the situation. Connor’s goal was to try to make Evan cry from laughter. Evan tried to make Connor simply laugh.

Eventually, they cloud watch. Connor points up at one and recalls on how it looks like how Evan drew him once. Evan bursts out laughing. “

Really? I like mine was way worse.” Evan says. Connor bursts out laughing.

“I dunno what you mean. I was the hottest I ever looked in that picture.” It’s Evan’s turn to laugh again.

They start to walk around the orchard, talking about life after school. Perhaps they’ll bike the Appalachian trail… Nah. Evan says he’s way too out of shape. He offers the idea to write a book. They laugh at that idea. Connor throws up the idea to try how to sail. Evan disagrees. He is too scared to sail. It’s really just the water. Connor understands.

“You know, Hansen,” Connor says, kicking a rock across the field. “There’s no place I’d rather be.” Evan nods.

“Me too.” He says. They stop and stare at the view. They start to talk again. This time about what the other will be doing over summer and such.

“Hey, Hansen?” Connor asked, smirking. “See that tree?” He points to the tallest tree. Evan nods. Connor starts to run to it.

“Follow me!” Connor yells back. Evan shakes his head, a playful smile on his lips, before running after Connor. Connor is already half way up the tree when Evan gets there.

“I wonder what the world will look from up so high,” Evan asks.

“Come find out!” Connor calls back.

Evan climbs up, one foot after the other. One branch then to another. He climbs higher and higher until the sun shines on his face. One more branch and he’ll be with Connor. He grabs it, but the branch breaks. Evan’s eyes widen as he starts to fall. It feels like he hits every branch on the way down. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes. Then, he hits the ground, hard. His arm feels numb. His vision goes in and out, seeing Connor climbing down the tree. Next thing he knows, he is in Conner’s arms and Connor is running to the car.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit! Evan, please. Shit! Did you hit your head? Your arm is all bent.” Connor worries as he runs with Evan. Evan notices Connor didn't call him Hansen. Evan also notices the tears at the corners of Connor’s eyes.

“Don’t die on me! Shit. Did you hit your head that hard! I dunno. You just kept falling and I couldn’t grab you in time. I’m so sorry. Please stay with me. I love you.”

_“Tell me pretty lies,_

_“Look me in the face,_

_“Tell me that you love me,_

_“Even if it's fake,_

_‘"Cause I don't fucking care, at all”_

_Ding!_

Evan looks over. He got an email from Connor. Evan opened it.

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_How are you feeling, buddy? You scared me so bad._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_Evan typed a response back and sent it._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Better. I’m sorry for scaring you. I didn’t realize that branch couldn’t support my weight._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_Ding!_

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_It was my fault. It was stupid and dangerous to climb a big, old tree. I should be, and I am the sorry one._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_No way! I should have noticed it was broken. I’m the ‘tree expert’. I swear, if you don’t stop taking the blame, I’m gonna kill you._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Really what are you gonna do? Coke me, daddy? ;P_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I meant choke. Choke me, daddy. Not that soda._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Do you have some against soda kink? Weird. Kinky, but weird._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Ew, no. You know I hate soda. And since when do you kink shame?? lol_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Kink shaming is my kink. ;)_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com From:_

_420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sincerely, Me._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_lol_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Ok, but are of taking care of yourself?? seriously_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_From: ehansen@gmail.com_

_Dear Conor Murphy,_

_Yeah. Don’t worry. Mom is a nurse, remember. This is the most I’ve seen her in years, lol. I’m good. And awww. Look at you caring for me._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

_To: ehansen@gmail.com_

_From: 420blazeee@gmail.com_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Well, yeah. You know I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_.

_”You've been out all night,_

_”I don't know where you've been,_

_”You're slurring all your words,_

_”Not making any sense,_

_”But I don't fucking care, at all”_

Evan awoke to another crash. He grabbed a book, again, just in case it wasn’t Connor. He listened closely.

“Evan!” Connor yelled. Evan thanked whatever gave him the luck of his mom not being home. He put the book down and went out to see Connor. Evan sighed. He walked out and saw Connor. He had tears down his cheeks.

“Connor… What happened?” Evan asked, reaching out. Connor grabbed his hands. “

Evan, listen to me,” Connor said. Evan smelled some liquor on Connor’s breath. “Listen to me. Dude, listen to me.”

“Connor, I’m listening,” Evan said, worried.

“Evan, I need you,” Connor said, Evan nodded.

“I’m right here, Connor. You have me, right here.” Connor shook his head.

“No, I don’t. Evan, I want you.” Connor’s lips went against Evan’s. Evan tasted the liquor on Connor’s breath. Evan wanted this, so bad. It’s what he wanted since middle school. Evan wanted this, but not like this. He pushed Connor off him.

“Connor. You’re drunk. You have to go home. Please.” Evan asked, wrapping his arms around himself. Tears pricked at his own eyes.

“I’m not that drunk! Evan, please. I need you. I want you. Please!” Connor yelled. Evan sniffed.

“Go home.” Connor walked over to Evan and pushed away his tears. Evan took a step backward. “Please.” He tried.

Connor balled his fists. “Are you fucking kidding me? Don't you want me? What the actual shit, Hansen!?” Connor stomped away to the door. He grabbed the door knob but stopped.

“I thought you knew I loved you.”

_”'Cause I have hella feelings for you,_

_”I act like I don't fucking care,_

_”Like they ain't even there,_

_”'Cause I have hella feelings for you,_

_”I act like I don't fucking care,_

_”'Cause I'm so fucking scared”_

Evan walked the halls, feeling alone. He saw Jared but didn't feel like talking.

“Hey, Hansen,” Jared called out.

“I’m not in the mood, Jared.” Evan groaned. Jared scoffed.

“Whatever.” Jared looked over and saw Connor.

“Heyyy, Connor! Loving the new hair length. Very school shooter sheek.” Connor looked over at him and stared at him, with almost the same amount of fury that was in his eyes last night when he went to Evan’s house last night.

“I was just joking. I was just kidding. It was just a joke.” Jared shrugged.

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can;t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor growled. Jared scoffed.

“You’re such a freak.” Jared waved his arm then started to walk away. Evan cleared his throat.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor growled at Evan. “

What-“

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I’m not-“

“You think I’m a freak?”

“No-No I don’t-“

“I’m not the freak!”

“But I wasn’t-“

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor pushed Evan to the ground.

“I thought you loved me and I loved you.”

_”I'm only a fool for you,_

_”And maybe you're too good for me,_

_”I'm only a fool for you,_

_”But I don't fucking care, at all, oh”_

“Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out it wasn’t an amazing day or week or year because why would it be? Oh, I know, I know! Cause there’s Connor and all my hope is pinned on Connor who doesn’t even want to know me because I’m scared.

Maybe If I just kissed him back then maybe, maybe…

I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something.

I wish anything I said mattered to anyone… But there is no one. Mom’s not home and Connor… I messed everything up with him. I want to be with him but I didn’t want to be with him just because he was drunk. He always said he loved me, but it felt more like a friendship love. I didn’t know anyone could love me, romantically. Maybe that means no one will miss me when I’m gone. Maybe now that I don’t have any reason to stay, I won’t.

Sincerely,

Me _.”_

Evan pressed the print button. He got up from his chair and saw Connor by the printer. “

Oh…” Connor trailed off and looked anywhere but Evan. “I guess I can give this to you.” Connor grabbed the paper and saw his name.

“Connor, please don’t-“

“Evan… I… I…” Connor walked over to Evan and handed him the letter. Evan took it and grabbed his bag, slipping it on and leaving Connor. Connor reached out and grabbed Evan’s arm.

“Evan. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been a jerk. You somehow still… I kissed you went you didn't want to and then acted like a jerk but I didn’t mean it. Evan, I pushed you today because I’m such a jerk. I’m a freak. Can you please forgive me?” Connor asked. Evan’s heart fluttered. He didn't mess it up. He nodded and hugged Connor. Conner quickly wrapped his arms around Evan.

Evan buried his head into Connor’s shoulder. A sob escaped his lips. Connor hushed and comforted him. Evan pulled away and looked up at Connor. Evan smiled.

“Do you still love me?” Evan asked. Connor nodded.

“I do. Evan Hansen, in freshman year, if you said I would be in love by senior years, I would’ve laughed. I thought love didn't exist. Love wasn’t real. But then I met you and you slowly proved me wrong. Evan Hansen, I love you.” Connor said, smiling.

“Connor Murphy, I love you.” Evan placed a kiss on Connor’s lips.


End file.
